Positive Adoption Language

I have found that I am becoming much more aware now about how adoption is talked about since starting our adoption journey. Whereas before, I never really thought about it. The words that we use can tell a lot about our perceptions and feelings about adoption. We can advocate for adoptive families by using language that portrays adoption in a positive light.

Unfortunately many common ways to refer to adoption have negative connotations. For instance, instead of saying "giving up a child" or "giving away a child," more positive way to phrase making plans for the child's well being is to make an adoption plan.

Another very common phrase is "real parents." This is most often used when intending to refer to the biological or birth parents. This implies that there are somehow imaginary parents who are raising children. Parents who raise adopted children are also very real. There are other ways to differentiate the people in one's life with more clarity.

Along the same lines as that are having "children of your own." As in, they had to adopt because they couldn't have their own children. That belittles adoption as a method of building a family. The children who join us through adoption will be no less our children, we will be no less a family.

Another thing people talk about is how much adopted children cost. As if they are purchased! All children are priceless. Yes, there are fees involved with the adoption process, but there are expenses involved with all children. People who have biological children will have prenatal care costs, special vitamins, maternity clothes, hospital and doctor fees, etc. Nobody expects a couple having a biological child to give an accounting of how much was spent bringing their child into the world or how much it cost them to raise their children.

Another concept we are finding is that people assume that one adopts as an act of charity or that the children will be grateful for being adopted. Raising children is not an act of charity. It is an act of love. It can be uncomfortable when people say adopted children are lucky. Although adoption is a beautiful thing, a lot of loss also come along with it. The children aren't the only ones who benefit from adoption.

When we have our children with us and we hear negative adoption language or invasive questions, I will probably be caught off guard, even though I am expecting it to happen at some point. People say and ask inappropriate things all the time, about all sorts of subjects, without even meaning to do so. It's just much harder to deal with when those comments are made in front of your children or are directed at your family. And from what I have heard, it happens more than one would think.

Following the advice of other adoptive parents, I have been trying to prepare myself for ways to respond to the common questions and comments we will likely encounter. But I am also trying not to get caught up in semantics. I'll be a much more effective advocate for adoption if my feathers don't get ruffled too easily by innocent comments. Almost always, people do not intend to be hurtful with what they say. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt though.

I have found help from all sorts of resources like books, forums, articles, adoptive parents, etc. I hope that I will be able to model for my children positive ways to handle these situations. Adoption is nothing to be ashamed of or to hide. But the private details of ones life are private, and not all questions need to be answered.

Here is a workbook that empowers children to take control over their adoption story and teaches strategies for dealing positively with uncomfortable comments or questions about their backgrounds, W.I.S.E Up! Powerbook by Marilyn Schoettle

Adoptive Families Magazine has put together some helpful insights. Here is a link with a chart of positive and negative adoption language and here is an article about nosy questions that adoptive families sometimes face.

Here is an interesting essay written by an adoptive mother, Unsolicited Comments.

Adoption.com has this article Questions Come With The Territory.

I have also read some great responses to inappropriate questions that other adoptive families have shared on adoption forums and blogs.

Dossier is in Mexico

This week our dossier was sent to Mexico and arrived to the translator. We cannot imagine having to translate an entire dossier, as we know how much work it is to accurately translate technical documents. So we can very much appreciate the task at hand.

People have asked us why we can't translate it ourselves or have a bilingual friend do it for us. It is because it needs to be done by a certified translator who is impartial. After all, it will be submitted to the government and courts in Mexico.

We aren't sure how long the translation will take, but we are excited that our paperwork has at least reached Mexico!

Our dossier is on its way

We finally went to Tallahassee and had the rest of our dossier documents apostilled. We paused for a moment, looking at the pile of documents, all authenticated and ready to go to the next step. Now our papers are on their way to our agency for a final review to be sure everything is in order. Then they will send our dossier to a translator in Mexico City. Once translated, it will be submitted to the National DIF for its first round of approvals. Then it will go to the state where we want to adopt to be approved there. So, our dossier will be changing many hands in the near future.

This was such a huge step for us, the culmination of eight months of chasing paper. At times it felt like I had to move mountains to get some of these papers. So many emotions, ups and downs, so many dreams went into compiling all the necessary information. I actually shed tears as I saw it go.

Our I-800A Is Approved

We found out Friday that our I-800A has been approved and has been placed in the mail to us! We are so excited!

Once we get the notice, we'll take it to a notary to make a certified copy for us. Then we'll go to Tallahassee to get the certified copy apostilled, since that is where apostilles are issued in Florida. Then our dossier will be complete and we can begin the approval process in Mexico.

Where we are

Our original plan for this month was to apostille our dossier and send it to our agency to review. Then they were going to forward it to the translator in Mexico to get a head start on that while we were awaiting CIS approval.

But then we decided to change a document in our dossier, and we needed to wait for the new document to get in order. A change that seemed simple ended up taking more effort than expected. Right around that time, we discovered that our I-800A paperwork was being processed by the CIS, more than a month earlier than we expected. So, we ended up holding off on sending our file to the translator, and now we may as well wait until we have the approval to complete our dossier.

We have not yet been issued our approval from the CIS, but we're getting very close. There was a bit of a delay due to P being naturalized, rather than having been born in the US. Because of that, the CIS had to order his US immigration file to be retrieved from storage and sent to them to review before they are able to issue an approval. This is standard procedure. It adds a little more time to the approval process, but that's OK. We found out today that the CIS has just received the file.

In the meantime, the CIS has reviewed our paperwork. They informed us that there needs to be a minor addition of language to our homestudy. Our agency is putting that together now and will be forwarding it to the CIS. Very very soon the CIS will have everything they need to make their ruling.

So, despite changing the order of things we did this month, we are making great progress! Day by day, step by step, we are getting there.

Support During the Adoption Process

"Dreams Come True: Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them." - John Updike
Hang in there and don't lose hope!!

"We will keep praying. In the meantime, try to think positive thoughts!"

"That's fantastic!"

"I'm very excited for you two!"

"I'm praying that you are just paranoid. Have faith." - out of context that sounds so funny!!! You had to be there... it's actually very sweet!

"[I] hope it's an all clear!"

"Yahoo!"

"I'm all worked up just reading about this!!"

"What a relief!"

"How frustrating!"

"Hey, that's a snag in your favor!"

"[name withheld] told us all to pray for you because of what you are going through... we are all praying this problem can be fixed..."

"Please know that we are all pulling for the four of you, and we are only a computer or phone call away"

"I'm sorry. What can I do to help?"

"Hopefully this will be the last confusing thing you have to do!"


All of the above are words of support we received just in the last few days. (They are not listed in order received). And it doesn't even come close to listing all of them. This process is quite a roller coaster with so many ups and downs. It is so very comforting to have the support our friends and family. They are helping so much by being so amazingly supportive and on top of things! We are grateful!

Update on our I-800A

Wow, I am here to testify that federal employees do work on inauguration day. I found out today that our I-800A was assigned an agent and is scheduled to be reviewed this week! I had heard that they were starting to shorten their processing time lines, but I hadn't heard estimates on the wait being this improved. Our log in date was November 25, and I found out 56 days later that our file is about to be reviewed. Although technically we were assigned our agent three days ago, but it was a holiday weekend, so our file reached the agent's desk today. Anyway, that's way shorter than the original time frame of 90 days! Way to go CIS!